The Route to Regulation: Helping Children Build Emotional Intelligence

Emma Christmas
Sep 23
3 min read

Updated: Sep 25

When we talk about raising emotionally healthy children, one of the key skills we’re really talking about is self-regulation - a child’s ability to notice, manage and respond to their feelings in healthy ways. But self-regulation doesn’t just appear overnight. It’s a skill that grows over time, shaped by co-regulation first: the moments when we, as parents and caregivers, help children manage their emotions by being present, calm and supportive.

In fact, as I’ve written before, co-regulation is the blueprint for self-regulation. Children learn how to regulate by first experiencing regulation with us. And if we think about how children’s brains develop (another post I’ve explored), it makes sense that the foundation for self-regulation is built through repeated, nurturing interactions, not just instructions.

So how do we actually teach children emotional regulation skills?

I use a simple four-step process: Reconnect → Recognise → Redirect → Reflect. This isn’t a one-off formula. Instead, it’s a cycle we return to again and again throughout childhood, layering skills and experiences until self-regulation becomes more natural and automatic.

The Route to Emotional Regulation for Children

Step 1: Reconnect

Before anything else, children need to feel safe and connected. Regulation begins with relationship and reconnecting, time and time again.

When your child is upset, try to slow down and co-regulate:

Sit close, offer a cuddle or simply stay nearby.
Keep your tone calm and steady.
Use gentle touches like stroking their arm or rubbing their back.
Offer reassuring scripts:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “You’re safe.”
- “I am here to help you.”
- “I will look after you.”

These small acts of connection send a powerful message: You are not alone with these big feelings.

Step 2: Recognise

Once your child feels safe, the next step is to help them recognise what’s happening inside their body and mind.

Ask simple questions:

“What are you feeling right now?”
“What’s your body telling you?”

Then, gently label emotions for them, linking feelings with physical signs:

Sadness → crying, droopy body, low energy.
Anger → tight fists, clenched body, hot face.
Worry → ‘wobbly’ legs, tummy tingles.
Excitement → busy or ‘fizzy’ body.

By doing this, we’re helping children build emotional intelligence - the ability to notice, name and understand feelings. This recognition step is key, because you can’t regulate what you can’t first identify.

Step 3: Redirect

Once the feeling is recognised, we can redirect the energy in a healthy way. This is not about shutting emotions down - it’s about giving children safe outlets for what they’re experiencing. Instead of focusing on what they can’t do (“Don’t shout, don’t hit, don’t throw”), try offering alternatives:

Use fidget toys.
Push against a wall or do hand push-ups.
Stomp feet like a dinosaur.
Blow bubbles or pop them.
Play with water (or even hop in the shower).

These activities help children move the energy through their bodies, making the feelings more manageable.

Step 4: Reflect (Afterwards)

This step comes once calm has returned. It’s about gently looking back and reflecting together.

You might say:

“Did you notice how your body feels now compared to before?”
“When we’re calm, our muscles feel relaxed, our body feels comfortable and it’s easier to think clearly.”

Reflection is also the time to teach specific strategies for next time - skills that children can draw on when they’re older and more able to regulate on their own. For example:

Deep breathing.
Drawing or colouring.
Going for a walk.
Hot hands: rubbing hands together until they feel warm, then placing them on the face or blowing the warmth away.
Listening to music.
Reading a familiar book.

The Goal: Regulation

When children move through these steps, they eventually find themselves back in a place of regulation - calm, in control and ready to learn, play and join in again.

But remember: this isn’t a quick fix. The route to regulation is a journey, built slowly over years of repeated experiences. Each cycle of reconnecting, recognising, redirecting and reflecting strengthens a child’s capacity to manage their feelings in the future.

And most importantly, it all begins with us - our presence, our calm, our co-regulation.