Emotional Regulation for Children: Co-Regulation vs Self-Regulation Made Simple
- Emma Christmas
- Sep 18
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 6
Most adults weren't taught about emotions as children. No one taught us how to be aware of our feelings or how to manage our behaviour when those feelings became overwhelming. Lots of adults report being sent to their rooms or being shouted at when their behaviour didn’t meet their grown ups’ expectations.
I’d like to assume that for the majority of us, our parents tried their best with the information they had at the time. But now that we know more about brain development and the impact of leaving emotional intelligence up to chance, many of us want to do things differently. However, it can be hard to know what to do if you were not brought up that way yourself.
In this post, I’m going to talk you through the difference between co-regulation and self-regulation and explain the vital impact of our input for our children.
What is co-regulation and how is it different from self-regulation?
Co-regulation is how we teach and support our children to express, understand and regulate their emotions and behaviour. Self-regulation is their ability to control this for themselves. Co-regulation is the blueprint for self-regulation and must always come first. Simply put, co-regulation is offering comfort, which is extremely important for all children.
At what age should my child start learning co-regulation and self-regulation skills?
As co-regulation is the prerequisite of self-regulation, we need to do this with our children as early as possible. Cuddling a crying baby is co-regulation and this comfort and support isn't something we should stop just because a child is growing. Self-regulation continues developing into adulthood with more and more self-control (hopefully) evolving as they mature. The early years are a critical opportunity for a child’s brain to form the connections needed for self-regulation. If these connections aren’t formed early, it’s much harder to develop them later.
How can I support co-regulation with my child in everyday situations?
In my opinion there are two key aspects to supporting our children with regulation. The first is understanding that when it comes to co-regulation, consistency matters. Children need us to be predictable and supportive no matter how they’re feeling. They need to know that you’re going to help them even if they’re not behaving in the most desirable way. This means connecting with them, even when their feelings are big, and not punishing them for reacting in this way.
The second key aspect to keep in mind is that children watch us and imitate us. Every day, whether we are aware of it or not, our children are watching and learning from us. They notice how we:
- Take care of ourselves
- Deal with emotions
- Respond to mistakes
- Apologise
- Find positives
- Ask for help
- Articulate our needs
- Calm ourselves and practice self-care
And it’s this behaviour that becomes the blueprint for theirs.
You might be thinking, “That’s all very well but my toddler has never seen me throw myself on the floor in Asda and yet that’s what they do!” That’s true - not all behaviour is copied - but young children cannot regulate their feelings or behaviours on their own. So in that moment, they’re so dis-regulated that throwing themselves on the floor is their only strategy. Hence why our children are highly dependent on us for co-regulation.
Show your own emotional regulation: apologise when needed, articulate your feelings calmly and demonstrate coping strategies. Children learn most from observing us.
What are some practical examples of co-regulation in action?
Connection first – physical touch such as cuddles, deep breaths with them. When they’re in the middle of those big feelings it's not the time to correct their behaviour. Strategies for co-regulation can differ by age or stage, but the principle of connection first remains constant.
Communication and reassurance - talk through feelings, validate them. Try saying things like, “It’s hard when things don’t go your way. I understand why you’re feeling sad.”
Time together, not time out – prioritise connection over punishment. As tough as their emotions can be, we don’t want our children to shut down or hide their feelings from us.
Should I be worried if my child is relying on me to manage their own emotions?
Don’t worry if your child is heavily reliant on you - they will develop self-regulation skills when they’re ready. Things won’t always be this intense when it comes to their big feelings. You’ll notice in their behaviour when they’re able to do this more independently, as they’ll begin to regulate themselves in ways they couldn’t previously. However, emotional regulation isn’t always consistent, even when their brains are calm. Being tired, worried or in an emotional outburst can still overwhelm them. Even in later childhood, some children will sometimes need co-regulation and that's okay.
What role does emotional intelligence play in co-regulation and self-regulation?
Self-awareness comes before self-regulation. Children need to recognise how they feel before they can act. For example:
When they’re happy, their body might feel…warm, calm, smiley, relaxed.
When they’re anxious, they might feel…wobbly, sick, sweaty.
Teaching emotional intelligence alongside co-regulation helps children understand and express their feelings effectively.
Can co-regulation improve my child’s social skills at school?
Yes - co-regulated children tend to form stronger friendships as they are more able to navigate and explain how they’re feeling. Regulated brains are primed for academic learning too, meaning they’re more able to absorb the information they’re being taught!
What mistakes should I avoid when trying to co-regulate with my child?
Avoid saying they’re ‘too old’ for outbursts or ‘too big’ to need your help. This is like to either make their behaviour bigger or cause them to want to hide it from you.
Ensure you are consistent with boundaries - Anger is okay, but destructive behaviour is not. Being supportive doesn’t mean being permissive.
How do co-regulation and self-regulation affect my child’s long-term emotional wellbeing?
Co-regulation builds neural pathways in the brain, creating a foundation for lifelong skills. Research suggests that better emotional intelligence improves resilience, relationships and long-term success.
How do I handle situations where my child refuses help with regulating emotions?
Sometimes your child might shout, “leave me alone” or “go away.” While this is hard to hear, try not to take it personally. Respect their space, stay calm and offer support when they’re ready to engage.
Understanding the difference between co-regulation and self-regulation is key to helping children develop emotional intelligence. Co-regulation - the support and guidance we provide - lays the foundation for self-regulation, which allows children to manage their emotions independently. By offering consistent support, modelling healthy emotional responses and creating a safe space for children to express their feelings, parents can help their children build resilience, social skills and lifelong emotional wellbeing. To explore practical self-regulation strategies for both yourself and your child, visit our Parent Hub.
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