Why Siblings Fight (And How Parents Can Make It Better)

Sibling conflict is a tale as old as time - William and Harry, Liam and Noel, Kim and Kourtney. But squabbling children does not automatically mean they’re going to be enemies for life! Conflict between siblings is often impulsive rather than deliberate. More often that not, it comes from a place of insecurity and immaturity. Even the most cherished children struggle to understand that love is infinite, and so, most sibling rivalry is based on the resentment of having to share parental love and attention.

Conflict between sibling is developmentally normal and research says that it may happen up to eight times an hour. I’d argue that some days it can feel like 800 and other days my children play like they’re the best of friends. Whatever is happening between your children, this blog post is going to explain everything in more detail and give you some helpful tips to move forward with.

Is sibling rivalry ever a good thing?

Whilst rivalry between siblings doesn’t feel pleasant, the way in which we navigate it can enable our children to develop important life skills. Disagreements between siblings teach children that we all have different perspectives. With support, they can learn to stand up for what they believe in and they may also develop skills such as persuasion and conflict resolution. For me, the biggest positive with sibling rivalry is that it’s a sign that your children feel safe in your home. Siblings who feel they aren’t safe and therefore need to stick together are less likely to fall out with each other because they’re dependant on each other.

Why might they be arguing?

There are lots of reasons why our children might fall out and the more we can identify this, the easier it becomes to deal with. Things such as boredom, an unmet need or jealousy all have a lot to answer for when it comes to disagreements between our children. Sometimes in a family, one child is more dominant and will trigger the other for a reaction. Other times you might feel like either child could be to blame. I’ll talk about this more but it’s very important that we stay impartial and avoid taking sides.

Can sibling rivalry effect self-esteem?

Sibling comparison is very different to disagreements between siblings. Using language like “your brother is sitting nicely, why can’t you?” has been found to have a negative impact on a child’s self esteem. As parents we must be mindful when navigating these sibling fall outs and I’d warn against using them as an opportunity for healthy competition.

What should parents do to help?

Avoid Taking Sides

As I briefly mentioned, it’s not your job to be the referee. We need to avoid taking sides and putting the blame on one particular child. Our children need us to help them navigate through it and given that much of the behaviour is likely coming from a place of insecurity, making one child feel like it’s all their fault won’t resolve the situation any faster.

Don’t ‘leave them to it’

A common misconception when it comes to fights and arguments between siblings is to let them get on with it and sort it out for themselves. I’d avoid leaving them to it. Children won’t have conflict resolution skills unless they’re taught. If you’re leaving them to it the chances are that your louder more dominant child will ‘win’ and it won’t reduce the chances of another fall out later.

Anticipate it

There are always going to be times where things are harder than others. Try to notice any patterns like times of day or particular occasions and begin to preempt when such behaviour may occur. Is it when watching TV or when one child comes home from school. If the arguments are over a particular toy, remove it if you can. For example, my children tend to fall out more in the evening than the morning, mainly because everyone is more tired. After school I am more mindful about the games we play or the activities we do because otherwise this can be like adding fuel to the fire.

Focus on the root reason.

When addressing the situation, focus on their feelings rather than discussing what they did wrong. Look at WHY rather than the behaviour itself. Maybe they’re tired or overwhelmed, it doesn’t mean they’re a ‘bad sister’.

Put their emotions into words.

Try saying…”I can see you’re feeling sad/cross/angry/frustrated because you wanted to have a cuddle and I was busy with your brother. Have I got that right?” By putting their feelings into words we help them to understand how they are feeling and we give them the language for a future situation where they might need it. Check back in with your child by asking “am I understanding you?” to ensure they feel heard and seen.

Help them work through it.

Siblings can resolve their differences and maintain a healthy relationship BUT this is not something they can be expected to do independently. Children are not yet mature enough to sort it out sibling issues for themselves. Model boundaries, problem solving and compassion. Give each child a chance to speak and explain their point of view. Listen carefully to both sides before repeating it back to them and checking their understanding. We can only properly move forwards once we have everyone’s perspective. Yes it might take a bit of time initially but it’s worth it in the long run.

Make them feel valued rather than competitive.

Try to avoid language like “Look at your brother eating his dinner nicely.” This can fuel the conflict.

Try not to punish.

Avoid using time-outs. This reiterates the child’s feeling of being rejected and pushed out. We need our children to tell us the truth. Sometimes these situations will occur when we are out of the room. If a child thinks they’re going to be punished they’re more likely to lie about any wrong doings on their part. As a result it will be harder for us to get to the bottom of what has really happened.

The Three Things I Always Do

I use The Three C’s For Conflict  which stand for Compassion, Communicate and Continue…

Compassion

Imagine one day your husband or wife brings home a gorgeous new partner and expects you to share all of your favourite things. Would you be their best friend? No, you’d likely turn to crimes of passion. We can’t hold our children to a higher standard than ourselves so keep in mind that they’re children and things like this are likely to happen. In a situation, try to see both of your children’s point of view. The challenge then lies in helping them see each others.

Communicate

Help your children to voice their feelings and talk without being interrupted. Make sure both/all children know they’re going to get a chance to speak up. My children are now so used to this that they do allow the other to talk without butting in. You might find at first that when one child speaks the other interrupts and disagrees. The more our children see that we are there to help both of them, the happier they’ll be to wait their turn and share their thoughts. Try to see the perspective of both children and help them put it into words. For example “It sounds like you’re upset with Max today because…have I got that right?” or “why do you think your brother felt cross?”

Continue

Once everyone’s voices have been heard, help them to move forward. Using language like “I can see two children who both feel very sad. What do you think we could do to feel better?” Getting them involved helps them to become creative problem solvers. What ideas do they have for how they could handle the situation next time? Personally, I don’t force my children to apologise but by using the Three C’s for Conflict they usually offer an apology of their own. Part of my reasoning is that receiving a forced apology doesn’t feel great and equally, being made to say sorry when you don’t mean it isn’t likely to change the behaviour in the future.

What are some specific activities or family strategies to help reduce rivalry?

Three of my favourites are family meetings, using a gratitude gem and ensuring each child has enough quality time 1:1 with each parent.

Family Meetings

Family meetings are a great way to regularly connect. Find a time to regularly sit down together and talk through how you’re all feeling - the positives too. The trick is to get into the habit of having regular family meetings, rather than just having them to address an emergency situation.

Gratitude Gem

Find a rock and rinse off any dirt before decorating it. Once dry, hold the gem and talk through three things you’re grateful for. Repeat this every evening before bed and see how you feel in a week.

Quality Time

Remember right at the beginning where I said ‘even the most cherished children struggle to understand that love is infinite, and so, most sibling rivalry is based on the resentment of having to share parental love and attention’. Our children need proper quality one to one time with us…and I’ve got just the answer for you, it's called Meaningful Moments.

Meaningful Moments

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