How to Stay Calm: Coping Mechanisms and Regulation Techniques for When You Feel Triggered.

In the blog post 'The Modern Parenting Dilemma: Why is Raising Children Today so Challenging?' I wrote about the challenges that parenting in the current climate brings with it. It’ll take you less than three minutes to read, and would be a great place to start if you haven’t seen it before. Read it here.

Why Do We Snap?

When we are tired, working more or feeling overwhelmed, the smallest things can cause us to feel frustrated and less in control. Much like our children, parents are not exempt from act first, think later behaviour and you’re not alone if you’ve snapped at your child and instantly regretted it. The good news is, you recognise that it’s not ideal and you want to do things differently. That alone already makes you a pretty fantastic parent!

Before you read any further, please know that many parents feel frustrated with their children from time to time and it doesn’t make you any less of a 'good' parent because it happens to you. You only need to watch a wildlife documentary or visit a zoo to see that all mammals can feel frustrated with their offspring and there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way too. Often the behaviours that trigger us the most in our own children, are the behaviours that we either dislike about ourselves, or are things that we would’ve been told off for in our own childhood. Our childhood experiences can explain much of why we parent like we do and this is worth looking out for when you do feel triggered?

Why Shouldn’t We Snap?

I’m guessing, given that you’re reading this blog, that you probably already know that snapping doesn’t feel good for you or your child. I don’t want to spend time dwelling on this because none of us need to be made to feel any worse than we already do. In short, snapping at our children causes them to internalise negative beliefs about themselves, affecting their self-esteem and self-worth. Children dont realise we’re snapping because of all the things inside our own heads, they assume we’re snapping because there is something wrong with them.

What Is Happening When We Snap?

When we feel overwhelmed with a behaviour "fight-or-flight" mode is activated within our brains. As a result, stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) surge and are released, which can momentarily impair our ability to think clearly and react calmly. This activation in the emotional part of the brain leads to impulsive behaviours, i.e yelling, snapping, shouting etc. In short, in these moments, our nervous system is dis-regulated and we need to become regulated.

What is a Regulation Reset?

I like to call it this as we reset our disregulated selves into a more regulated state. To do this, I use The Three M’s. When you feel triggered and you don’t want to shout, you can use the Three M’s as a checklist. You don't have to start with any of them in particular and you don't even have to use all three if you don't need to. Choose the one that feels right in the moment, then move through all three until you feel calmer and more in control.

The Three M's

The Three M's are Movement, Munching and Music. Reading those words you probably already feel drawn more to one than another, if so, start with that one.

Movement

Things like doing squats, dancing around the kitchen or just running up and down the stairs all count as movement. Any sort of movement you can do releases endorphins, boosts serotonin and triggers a dopamine release. All of which are particularly important when you're experiencing as surge of stress hormones.

Munching

Munching (or chewing) moves the jaw and triggers a calming release (the fancy word for this is mastication). This means having a snack or a piece of chewing gum can be a useful tool for regulating the nervous system. I also particularly like using munching as a reseting technique because I am someone who struggles more with those triggers when I'm hungry. Often having a snack and a glass of water can make everything feel a little better.

Music

Listening to music triggers a dopamine release, boosts serotonin and reduces cortisol levels. You can play music out loud or through headphones if you need to.  Pop on your favourite song and take a moment to mentally remove yourself from the situation. If popping some headphones on and blocking the noise momentarily isn't something you feel comfortable with, try having a kitchen disco with your children instead.

If this post has made you feel good and given you some helpful tips to get started with then you'd love this:

The Calm Parent eBook

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