The Hidden Power of What You Say (And What You Might Want To Stop Saying) to Your Children.

Have you ever wondered if your child is actually listening to a word you say? Sometimes it can feel a bit like your words don’t mean a thing, can’t it? In this post I’ll be explaining why your words have a hidden power and why all children need parents who are aware of this. As parents, we don’t want our voices to become a backing track that our children simply tune out of and ignore. But perhaps even more importantly, our voices have the power to become our children’s soundtrack; the inner voice they carry with them throughout their childhood. I’m going to be unpicking how we become more mindful with our word choices with a simple trick to remind us. I’ll be discussing the small tweaks we can make in the way we speak to our children, because, words stick and we can use them for good.

Before we look at why we need to be mindful of the language we use and why what we say really matters, I want to share an important stat with you. Parents often ask me "why do my children ignore certain things I say and pay attention to others?" Research has found that it can take a child about 15 seconds to process what we have said. If you’re asking your child to do something and they appear not to be responding, really pause and notice how long 15 seconds is. For most children you’ll then need to add several more seconds for their brains to decide how to respond. 

The Power Of What We Say

As parents, our voices have the potential to become white noise. At first you might think that’s a negative thing, why would we want our children to tune out of what we are saying? But given that we are likely to become their inner soundtrack/that familiar background noise, we can use this to benefit them.  Our words, particularly positive affirmations, have the power to make a significant difference to our children’s mental health, nurturing their emotional growth. The magic of positive affirmations is in their repetition. Studies reveal that children who receive daily affirmations show a 20% increase in self-esteem and improved emotional stability. When children hear these phrases consistently, they begin to internalise the messages, resulting in a healthier mindset. If you’d like a few ideas to get you started with building resilience, confidence and positive self-image, then you can download my free affirmations ebook here.

Why Do We Need To Be Mindful Of The Language We Use

In the same way that words can have the most wonderful, positive impact, they can also have a negative one too. Often, the words we hear in our own childhood become our default, especially if we are unaware of where this default really comes from. If you were shamed as a child, it’s natural to become a parent who, unintentionally, shames their children. You know, kinda like a soundtrack that repeats from one generation to the next? You may be able to think of some words or phrases that have stuck with you from childhood. 'Bubbly', 'chatty', 'sensitive' were a theme of all of my school reports and I’d say I’ve become pretty aligned with them as a grown-up too. Usually, these words come from a well meaning place, but that doesn't mean they always benefit us.

Children who are raised with lots of criticism often struggle with self-esteem and become more critical of themselves and others. We don’t want to be raising children to feel ashamed of who they are. We also don’t want to be using language that dismisses their feelings or causes them to suppress their feelings.  It’s important to mention that I am not talking about the language we use when we lose our tempers or feel overwhelmed - that’s a conversation for another day. This post is not here to make you feel bad or intimated, it’s just me, starting a conversation. Sometimes we use words we would rather we didn’t because we are overwhelmed - that happens - but this post is more about words we might say without thinking. Before I continue I am not saying you cannot use these words. I’m talking about the way in which we use them.

Four Words to Become Aware Of...

ANNE stands for Always, Never, No-one and Everyone.

Always

As a child I regularly heard the word “always”….“You’re always unkind to your brother” “You’re always taking things too far.” It wasn’t until I was an adult that I thought ‘actually, I wasn’t always doing anything.’ But as a child you hear things and assume them to be true. Yes, I may have been unkind to my brother at times. Yes, I would have taken things too far at times. But I was a child and children do these things. There is almost always a reason why our children behave in the way they do. If they genuinely are always doing something, it’s worth taking a closer look at why this may be.

Never

Similar to ‘always’, the word ‘never’ puts a quantitive view on something. “You never listen!” “You never tidy up!” “You’re never grateful!” Children don’t see the world like we do. Their point of view is very much from their point of view only. It’s actually very difficult for a child to consistently see another viewpoint that their own. With this in mind, we want to avoid making them feel their needs aren’t important enough or big enough just because we have bigger worries ourselves.

No-one

Even if you haven’t used this one yourself, you only need to be with a group of other children and their parents to have heard it. Phrases like “no-one else is making a big fuss” encourage our children to compare themselves to others. Maybe it’s true in that moment that no-one else is rolling all over the floor, shouting and screaming in the middle aisle of Aldi…BUT do we really want our children to hide their feelings just because other people might see them? Do we want them to learn that they need to suppress their feelings because their emotions are embarrassing? By causing a child to feel shame, we make it more likely that they will hide their true feelings from us. Personally I’m hoping to raise teenagers and young adults that know I am always their to help them and that work starts from early childhood. 

Everyone

“Everyone else is doing it, why can’t you?” “Everyone else is sitting nicely, what is wrong with you?” As parents, we want to avoid comparison with siblings or friends as this inspires competition, making a child feel inadequate and like they’re not good enough. Imagine that your child is genuinely trying their best to sit ‘nicely’ or listen and they’re told by the person they love most, that they’re not doing it the right way like everyone else does. How does that feel for a child who is trying their best?

So what next?

Firstly, don’t give yourself a hard time if you’ve used any of these phrases. I reckon I’d been a qualified teacher for a good few years before I stopped using lines like “come on Boris, everyone else is listening, no-one else is making a fuss!” Even if it was true, it wasn’t kind. If you’re finding yourself in a situation where you are falling into the Anne trap, my biggest tip is to become the most curious critter you can be. When addressing things with your children, come from a place of curiosity rather than criticism. Phrases like “I noticed…” or questions like “Is everything okay?” are less intense than immediately telling them off for something. Be curious and ask “what’s going on for you?” or “what do you need?” when your child is behaving out of character or in a way you wouldn’t typically accept. 

It’s never too late to start (see what I did there - we can use it the Anne words when its true). But seriously, it’s never too late to adapt how we speak to our children. Be aware of how and when you’re using the Anne words, remember they’re not banned, we’re just being mindful in how we use them. 

If you are finding it hard to keep a lid on it when it comes to losing your temper with your child, why not check out:

The Calm Parent eBook

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