Why Children Need Boundaries (and How to Set Them Without the Drama!)

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some sort of manual that said “these are the rules children need and this is how to make them follow them"?

Well, whilst, rules and boundaries are not as black and white as that, you as the parent have the power to make things clearer. In this blog post we’re going to unpick why children need boundaries and how to set them without the drama.

Given that you’re reading this you’re probably already a little tired of picking battles and you more than likely want things to be easier? You’re right, it does need to be easy. If we can put in a little hard work at first - prompting, reminding and being consistent - things can, and will, be much easier.

The Importance of Boundaries in a Child's Development.

If you'd like to understand how your child's brain develops, read this and then come back to this post.

We already know that emotions are the driving force behind behaviour. It’s why as adults we like to sit and eat junk whilst scrolling our phones, when going for a walk in fresh air would probably make us feel better in the long run. It’s the same reason why children lash out, shout and stamp their feet, even though they've been told not to. Underneath all of it, there’s an emotion, whether that’s an adult feeling drained or a child feeling overwhelmed. As humans, we feel then we think. Our brains like to take the easiest, safest route and the unconscious part of the brain, kicks in before the conscious part. This is why we react and then later, when the rational thinking kicks in, we regret. Our children are no different, but they cannot usually articulate this. The brain will do the thing that gets the immediate result - so even if our children know the behaviour is wrong - if they get our attention, they’ll do it again. Hmm, if only it was as simple as noticing the good and ignoring the bad. Sometimes it can be, but there’s a bit more to it than that...

Clear and Consistent Boundaries Help Children to Feel Safe.

As parents, we must ensure our children’s brains feel safe. I’ve talked more about that here but in short, clear and consistent limits help children feel safe. Everyone likes to know where they stand, don’t they? By having clear routines, our children know what’s coming next and this means they are much more likely to follow through on what we ask or expect. The brain loves predictability as it doesn’t then have to use energy to decipher what your expectation is. The expectation needs to always the same.

Additionally, the more our children follow the boundaries, the less stressed we are as parents and the less likely we are to snap. Shouting at a child makes them feel unsafe, so boundaries are a good, positive and necessary thing, despite what you might see on social media.

So How Do We Set The Boundaries Without Creating Power Struggles?

What are the rules in your house? Really, take a moment to stop and ask yourself "what are the rules?" Can you say them in one sentence? Could your child repeat them to a grandparent? Does your child really understand what following the rules looks like? I’m not meaning to sound judgey here - I spent a decade creating classroom rules that were a page long and let me tell you, having them stuck up on the wall where the children could see them every day made zero difference to their behaviour. And I have qualifications in this stuff!!

I learned the hard way, and, as a result, we now have only three rules in our house - Kind, Calm, Safe. That’s it. Because those three words cover everything we need them to in our family. Are the children allowed to jump on the sofa? No, because that’s not safe. Is it okay to hit their sibling? No, because that’s not kind. What about if they wanted to shout from one room to another? Well, that’s not exactly calm is it. Having these three rules means I don’t have to spend all my time telling them off for doing things, because the boundaries and expectations are already in place. What could your three words be? Ask your children - I’m sure they’ll have some great ideas, and they’ll be keener to follow them if they think they’ve come up with them themselves!

What Next?

When you have your three words be consistent with them. The words mean nothing without a bit of action behind them. Plus, if it doesn’t work on the first day, try again tomorrow and the next day, until it becomes the new normal. Yes it is hard work at first and no there is no overnight fix, but please try it for a week, then maybe a month and then see where you are in three months. I’m really serious and I mean this with love, please don’t try these strategies once or twice and assume they just don’t work for your child. Everything takes practise, from you and from them.

If you liked this post, then you'll love this:

"If You Do That Again..." (Dealing with all things listening and behaviour)

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