How to Calm Your Child Mid-Meltdown: 5 Essential Strategies Every Parent Should Know.

Children don’t decide to be dis-regulated. Tantrums, meltdowns and emotional outbursts are all totally normally parts of childhood. But just because they’re common, doesn’t make them easy. In this blog post I am doing to take you through 5 tips to help your child regulate during a meltdown, without losing your cool.

Why Meltdowns Happen

A human brain takes years to fully develop and whilst there are spurts during the early years, once we understand that young children (and older children) cannot be relied upon to be calm and collected all the time, everything becomes a little clearer. I’ve written more about that here. Simply put, children are physically and mentally unable to be rational and an emotional outburst is their way of coping with these huge feelings. They’re not naughty, they’re overwhelmed.

I know what you're thinking...that’s all very well but what do you do when you’re in the middle of Asda and they’re screaming because they can’t have what they want?

What to Do When Your Child’s Meltdown is at It's Peak: A Step-by-Step Guide.

Pause and Breathe

It’s really natural to feel overwhelmed by a meltdown. In the heat of the moment everything feels intense, especially if you’re in a public place or feeling overwhelmed anyway. As a parent you don’t want your child to be upset but also, on a deeper level, their reaction is likely to upset your brain. (Again, I’ve written more about that here.) The first thing to know is, you don’t need to try and stop the meltdown. Even if the lady in aisle 3 is frowning at you, it’s not your job to shut your child down. Your first job is to regulate and keep yourself calm by pausing and taking a deep breath.

Listen and Label

Listen to what your child is saying. What is it they’re upset about? If they aren’t talking and just crying, can you identify their point of view anyway? What could have caused them to feel so overwhelmed? Try to listen and then label their feelings by naming them. Rather then phrases like "You're being silly" or "Stop being a baby" try saying things like “I think you’re feeling sad because you can’t….” “It looks like you’re feeling angry, have I got that right?” This change in language labels the feeling, not the child, but they're also much more compassionate and supportive for our children to hear. Young children will not know what their feelings and reactions are, unless we help them to identify them.  Imagine how scary it must be to feel so overwhelmed and feel like no one is listening to you or helping you.

Validate and Reassure

Even if your child is upset over what appears to be the most trivial thing, try to validate them. I am sure we have all had times in our adult lives where we have overreacted, but in the moment you don’t need someone telling you you’re ridiculous. Often, dismissing someone's feelings actually makes it worse and the last thing we want to do is make our child's reaction bigger. Reassure your child that you are there to help them by saying something like, “When you are ready, I’m here for you” or "It's okay to be upset, I will look after you." In this moment a child's brain is in 'fight' or 'flight' mode and their nervous system feels under threat. Stay close by and avoid saying things like "I'm going to leave you here if you're being silly." It's scary for a child to hear that and it's likely to prolong their upset.

Touch or Twist

Some children will benefit from a cuddle, whereas others will want to throw themselves on the floor. Either is okay, humans do need to physically release their feelings sometimes. Children don't have the physical control to keep their emotions in just because it might be making us feel uncomfortable. Ask your child, “would you like a cuddle?” If cuddles aren’t their thing, downward strokes on their arms can soothe them too. Place the palms of your hands on their shoulders and press downwards to their elbows, repeat as many times as they need. If they’re not ready for cuddles that’s okay too. I use the word 'twist' as it always reminds me that physical release doesn’t just have to be a cuddle, it could be that your child prefers to stamp or jump or wriggle around until they’re feeling better. Use a phrase like, “It’s okay to be angry, let’s do some jumping to let those cross feelings out.”

Redirect*

When the meltdown is at it’s peak, trying to reason with a child isn’t likely to get you very far. Infact, it could even increase your child’s upset. Equally trying to distract or redirect a child before they are ready might make things more intense too. Unless their safety is at risk, try to avoid picking your child up and carrying them out…again, imagine how you would feel in that situation. As your child starts to calm, you can redirect their attention by pointing out things that are nearby or physically encouraging them away from the situation. "Let's go and look for..." or "Can you help me to...?" are good phrases to use when they're ready to move forward.

So in summary...

Keep yourself calm first, stay physically close to your child and remember not to take their outburst personally. Listen, validate and help your child through their feelings for as long as they need. I promise this will get quicker and less intense when they realise you're on their side and that you understand them.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to know your thoughts so please leave a comment below. If you enjoyed this post you might like to find out how to set boundaries for your child, without the drama. You can read it here.

"Stop Being So Silly!" (Coping with tantrums, meltdowns and big feelings)

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