Why Mums Snap at Their Children (and How to Feel Better After You Do)

Emma Christmas
Oct 13
4 min read

The Truth About Snapping at Your Children

If you’ve ever shouted at your children and instantly felt awful, you’re not alone. Every mum I know - even the ones who look calm when they’re child is screaming in a busy shop - has lost her cool at some point. Parenting is beautiful, but it’s also loud, relentless and emotionally exhausting. When we’re tired, touched-out and running on empty, patience wears thin - fast. So let’s get this straight: You’re not a bad mum if you snap. You’re a human being with limits, trying to raise tiny humans who are still learning to regulate their emotions.

Why Mum Rage Happens

It’s Not a Lack of Love - It’s a Stress Response

When you shout or lose your temper, it’s not because you don’t love your children. (You probably love them more than you love yourself but let's hold that thought.) It happens because your body is wired to react to stress before you can think. That’s your fight-or-flight response kicking in. In moments of overwhelm, your subconscious takes over and you react automatically - often before your brain can catch up.

You’re Literally Designed to Be Triggered

Humans are programmed to respond to one another emotionally. That’s why babies cry when they hear another baby cry - it’s built-in empathy. Children’s behaviour is designed to get your attention. Think of it like this: have you ever seen a bunch of piglets hanging off their mum? They demand, they squeal and the mother eventually gets fed up and puts them in their place - but that Mumma pig isn’t also trying to reply to work emails or clean the kitchen at the same time. Kinda makes sense when you think of it like that, right? You are juggling far more than nature ever intended. So if you snapped today (or yesterday, or last week), it’s not because you’re failing - it’s because you’re overloaded.

The Gentle Truth: Why Shouting Doesn’t Help

You probably already know that shouting doesn’t help long-term - but this isn’t about guilt. It’s about understanding what happens and what you can do after.

The Impact of Yelling on Children

It can scare them, making them feel unsafe or on edge.
It can make behaviour worse - raised voices can be confusing and can create the exact behaviours you don't want to see.
It can damage trust - children may withdraw or stop coming to you when they make mistakes.
It can hurt self-esteem and create shame, which gets in the way of learning and connection.

But here’s what’s important: You can always repair the moment. What matters most is how you reconnect afterwards.

The Power of Repair and Reconnection

When you calm down and circle back to your child, something beautiful happens. Repairing teaches your child:

That relationships can be mended after mistakes.
That feelings are normal and it’s okay to get angry.

Apologising and saying something like, “I shouldn’t have shouted; I was feeling overwhelmed” models emotional maturity. It shows them that adults make mistakes - and demonstrates how we can go about fixing them.

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What to Do When You Feel Like You’re About to Snap

We can’t control every trigger, but we can create space to respond differently. Try these small, doable shifts:

Pause and Breathe

When your child pushes your buttons, take a slow breath before responding. It gives your brain oxygen and helps you think clearly. Almost everything feels less urgent after a deep breath. Get into the habit of pausing and taking a deep breath before responding.

Know Your Triggers

Is it noise, mess, constant interruptions or lack of sleep? Noticing your patterns helps you prepare. For example, if you know noise overwhelms you, use calm music, earplugs or build in quiet time. If you notice yourself getting frustrated then congratulate yourself for spotting it! Noticing your reactions is the very first step in identifying and minimising your triggers.

Set Realistic Boundaries

We can do anything, but not everything. You don’t have to be the perfect mum, housekeeper, friend and employee all at once. Boundaries protect your peace and your patience. Learn to lower your expectations and get comfortable with saying no.

Look After Yourself (Properly)

Remember what I said about loving your children more than you love yourself? On your list of things to take care of you probably, selflessly, put yourself at the bottom. But here’s the harsh truth - you’re not helping yourself. Ouch sorry, that one took me far too long to realise myself so I'm telling you because I wish someone had told me! Self-care isn’t just showers and solo food shops. It’s rest, support and time to recharge. You’re raising tiny versions of yourself - and that’s hard work. You matter.

Create an Atmosphere of Cooperation

Children are more likely to cooperate when they feel connected. Instead of labelling behaviour as ‘defiant’ or ‘naughty’, get curious about what’s underneath it - tiredness, hunger, needing attention. Connection fosters cooperation. I have lots of information and tips about behaviour inside The Parent Hub.

Remember: This Phase Will Pass

Every tricky stage ends - just when you think it might break you. You are growing alongside your children.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

Parenting is messy and emotional. You’ll have moments you’re proud of and moments you regret - that’s the reality of raising humans. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to keep showing up, repairing and loving through it all. So if you lost it today, remember: you can always pause, breathe and start again.

Hi, I’m Emma, Early Childhood Expert and founder of Everyday. My goal is simple: help parents understand their children better so every stage feels a little brighter. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about the extraordinary - it’s about the everyday.