Understanding Tantrums: Why They Happen and How to Handle Them Calmly

Good children don’t have tantrums, right?

WRONG!

Tantrums are a normal and healthy part of childhood. Nearly every child has them - and they don’t mean your little one is spoilt, naughty or manipulative. In fact, tantrums are your child’s way of expressing big feelings that they can’t yet manage or explain.

What Are Tantrums and Why Do Children Have Them?

When tantrums happen, your child isn’t using their logical or ‘thinking brain’. Instead, their emotional brain takes over. They go into survival mode, not rebellion. Even if it looks like they’re trying to upset you, they’re not - they simply can’t regulate their emotions yet.

Toddlers especially struggle with emotional control because their brains and bodies are still developing. They gain physical control from the head down, then out to the limbs. This is why younger toddlers often have full-body tantrums - screaming, kicking and throwing themselves on the floor - while older children express frustration through facial expressions or words.

Tantrums don’t mean your child is ‘acting up’. They’re simply learning how to handle the overwhelming world around them.

Tantrums are not a reflection on you or your child - they're a developmentally normal stage of childhood.

Why Saying “Don’t Cry” Can Make Tantrums Worse

When we say “Don’t cry” or “Stop crying”, we unintentionally send the message that big feelings are bad. This can make children believe that their emotions are wrong or make others uncomfortable. But tantrums are not the enemy - they’re communication. Our role as parents and caregivers is to teach children that it’s okay to feel angry, sad or frustrated, and that those feelings can be managed safely.

“Can You Be Nice to Mummy Please?” – Why Understanding Tantrums Matters

Many well-meaning adults say things like, “Can you be nice to Mummy?” during a tantrum. But this usually comes from misunderstanding what’s really going on. Our society often lacks awareness about tantrums and meltdowns, so adults may think a child is being intentionally difficult.

In reality, tantrums are not acts of defiance - they are emotional outbursts from children who are struggling to cope. Compassion and calm are far more effective than punishment or shame.

What Your Child Needs During Tantrums

✨ To know that big feelings are okay and that you are there for them

✨ To be guided through how to manage them safely

What Children Don’t Need

❌ Long lectures mid-tantrum

❌ To be ignored

❌ To be punished or shamed

What To Do During a Tantrum

1. Stay Calm

Take a deep breath and remind yourself: tantrums are normal. It’s not your fault and you don’t have to ‘control’ your child - just be their safe anchor.

2. Empathise and Connect

See the world from your child’s perspective. It’s tough being little! Even older children are still learning emotional control. If your child allows it, offer a hug, a back rub or another comforting touch. Connection needs to come before anything else.

3. Listen and Reassure

Listen to what your child is expressing - even small frustrations can feel huge to them.

Use clear, soothing language:

“You’re sad that we have to leave the park. That’s hard. We can come back tomorrow.”

“You’re angry and that’s okay. But it’s not okay to hit.”

4. Offer Choices

Give simple, empowering options: red cup or blue cup? Allowing small choices can reduce future tantrums and help children feel respected. 

5. Be Consistent

Keep your boundaries clear. Non-negotiables like brushing teeth or wearing a helmet are about safety - not control.

Tantrums Are a Normal Part of Growing Up

Next time your child has a tantrum, pause and breathe and remember:

- Tantrums are not a reflection on you. They don’t mean you’re a bad parent or caregiver.

- Tantrums don’t happen because your child wants to upset you. They’re a natural part of emotional development.

- Tantrums will happen - and that’s okay. Your calm presence helps your child learn emotional regulation. Tantrums are your child’s way of saying, “I need help managing my feelings.”

By responding with empathy, consistency and understanding, you’re teaching your child emotional intelligence - one tantrum at a time.

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Hi, I’m Emma, Early Childhood Expert and founder of Everyday. My goal is simple: help parents understand their children better so every stage feels a little brighter. Because at the end of the day, it’s not about the extraordinary - it’s about the everyday.

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